When our marriage fall apart, it is often very difficult to cope with life and yourself. There are many reasons why our marriages do not work.
Reasons why marriages break down:
- You may have that the two of you are mismatched. You may be sexually incompatible or that you are socially and culturally so different that there is no common ground and you are constantly fighting over what is right and trying to prove the other wrong.
- Your own parents or those of your spouse may be the priority in your life. You constantly refer to them, meet their demands and needs so that you nourish your family before your spouse. Your childhood ties are stronger than your marital vows.
- Your career may be interfering with your marriage – it may be all consuming or you work different hours, late into the night and at weekends so that you seldom meet.
- The birth of a baby or being over-involved with your children to the exclusion of your spouse will create conflict in your relationship and can lead to a breakdown.
- Your spouse may be addicted to drugs, alcohol, other women or a gambling, which may have become too difficult to cope with.
Results of marital breakdowns:
- You may try to deal with problems by ignoring them, pretending they don’t exist and further withdrawing from your partner.
- Your communication and behavior are probably destructive and is aggravating the problems.
What can you do?
- Take a good look at your spouse and ask yourself whether you want to stay in the marriage. If you answer “Yes” or “I think so” or “I don’t know” – your marriage is not dead and it is worth working on. If you answer “No”, then divorce or may be the next step to consider.
To work on your relationship, both of you need to realize and accept:
- Both of you are responsible for your current situation and cannot solely blame the other.
- That both of you are doing harmful things to each other.
- Both of you need to be willing to change the old patterns of behaving. Take a good look at yourself. What can you change?
- Both of you must decide you would rather be happy than right – this may mean letting go of your anger and trying to forgive each other, learning to respect and accept rather than change the other. There are things we can change but there are things we cannot. We have to learn to accept that some things will never change and rather learn to cope with it.
- Both of you need to be prepared to work on your problems and not run away. Try to become best friends again, let your guards down, risk yourselves, plan to be spontaneous, laugh together, surprise each other and bring joy back into your sex life.
If you find it too difficult, or if you are both too hurt and angry or even if only one of you is prepared to work on your relationship, you may need to get professional help. Be courageous and ask for help.